The trend for the search term domestic violence from Google search data beginning in 2004:

Google state-by-state breakdown for the search term domestic violence 2004-2015:

Google state-by-state breakdown for the search term emotional abuse 2004-2015:

State-by-state breakdown for antisocial personality disorder, a leading cause of DV:

Breakdown for psychopathy, the personality disorder afflicting psychopaths, a cause of DV:

Interest in domestic violence is at an all-time high since Google Trends began measuring in 2004 and the epicenter of this interest is New Mexico. New Mexico leads the nation in searches for these search terms: domestic violence, emotional abuse, antisocial personality disorder, and psychopathy.

These are silent indicators of the extent of the problem in New Mexico due to the vast under-reporting of domestic violence incidents to law enforcement (only about 14%). Given this 12-year peak of interest and Santa Fe’s location as the capital of New Mexico, this the time and place to do something about it.

Santa Fe is ground zero in the war on domestic violence.

Domestic Defense for Family Wellness

Angel Wings Santa Fe mission: To reduce domestic abuse and promote family wellness through root cause awareness and skillful means, focusing on the emotional abuse at the very heart of domestic violence and the underlying personality disorders below the surface that generate it.

Root cause awareness

Understanding the cycle of abuse caused by learned cultural belief systems, dysfunctional family dynamics, personality disorders, and unhealthy ego defense mechanisms [1]. Protecting our children by breaking the intergenerational cycle of abuse may do more to reduce domestic violence than all other remedies [2].

Aikido classes for physical and sexual abuse

Aikido is a peaceful nonviolent martial art ideal for domestic violence because it uniquely integrates compassion for the attacker, often a loved one suffering from mental illness [3].

Emotional Aikido for emotional abuse

Learning, counseling, state training, and Verbal Aikido for psychological abuse, which does not get as much attention as other forms of abuse but is more damaging, long-lasting, and harder to prove [4].

Cultural Aikido for abuse by proxy

Using information technology to empower victims and educate enablers in the legal battle in court as well as the memetic battle in the court of public opinion. Exposing abusers so they can’t hurt others [5].

Social Aikido for economic and legal abuse

1. •Matchmaking platform of available resources and the battered families who need them.
   

2. •Organizing a sharing economy, community, and polity of battered families and their friends, relatives, supporters, counselors, and social workers for mutual support in moving from victims to survivors.
   

3. •Providing jobs and economic independence to battered families through social entrepreneurship.
   

4. •Educating all involved parties about the nature of personality disorders, ego defense mechanisms, dysfunctional families, and abuse dynamics which were unknown prior to the 20th century.
   

5. •Using information technology, such as online reviews, to empower victims by holding those in agency settings— law enforcement, lawyers, courts, shelters, and hospitals — accountable.
   

6. •Supporting candidates to public office who are aware of the problem.
   

7. •Supporting reform and funding of our family support infrastructure [6].
   

1. 

   Domestic Defense – A Holistic Approach
   

2. The four quadrants of abuse and defense informed by awareness:
   

3. The mental battle in the mind — Emotional Aikido
   

4. The physical battle in the home — Verbal and Martial Aikido
   

5. The economic and legal battle in the courtroom — Social Aikido
   

6. The cultural battle in the court of public opinion — Cultural Aikido
   

7. 
   

Root cause awareness.

Understand the causes to break the cycle.

Domestic violence is a broad term that includes child abuse, intimate partner violence, and elder abuse each with its own types and subtypes. Causes, consequences, and cures differ depending on the context [7]:

Types of Domestic Violence

*The trend in the research is to view types and subtypes as dimensional poles rather than discrete exclusive categories.

The emotional personality disorders at the heart of domestic violence

Perpetrators of emotional and physical abuse exhibit high rates of personality disorders, particularly borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder. In his review of the literature, psychologist Donald Dutton concludes, “Where the estimate of personality disorders in the general population would be more in the 15–20% range, studies have found incidence rates of personality disorders to be 80–90 percent in both court-referred and self-referred wife assaulters. … As the violence becomes more severe and chronic, the likelihood of psychopathology in these men approaches 100 percent.” Likewise, high rates of personality disorders have been documented among women convicted of spousal assault [1].

In a series of studies Dr. Dutton described associated psychological features of abusiveness that clustered around Oldham et al. measure of Borderline Personality Organization:

1. •Shame-based rage
   

2. •Tendency to project blame
   

3. •Attachment anxiety manifested as rage
   

4. •Sustained rageful outbursts, primarily in intimate relationships [1]
   

Profiles of abusers correlate with the Cluster-B ‘emotional’ personality disorders described in the chart above. These disorders display characteristics that involve grandiose delusions and a self-inflated sense of importance which are critical behaviors for an abuser to have in order to maintain strict and severe control over their victim. The abuser also needs to have low affect and a low sense of empathy so that they do not have remorse for the abuse and actions they are inflicting on their victims [1].

Pathological personality types based on behavioral symptoms in perpetrators:

• An unstable and hyperactive personality with weak impulse control

• A personality that rigidly follows set principles and rituals, having narcissistic or anti-social traits

• A rebellious personality, having low self-esteem and compulsive properties

• An aggressive personality, characterized by anger, rage, and anti-social behaviors

1. (psychopathological personality)
   

• A moody personality (borderline personality)

• A personality sensitive to rejection whereby an individual reacts with aggression (borderline)

• A personality having intensified dependency needs, an elevated level of fear, and depression

• A dependent and passive-aggressive personality [1]

Borderline Personality Organization and related disorders

In Otto Kernberg's model the term borderline is used broadly in its original psychodynamic sense to describe the middle ground, or borderline, between psychotic and neurotic personality organization. Borderline personality organization is a broad term that includes related emotional or DSM-5 Cluster-B personality disorders, such as borderline, narcissistic, and antisocial personality disorders.

Borderline personality organization is a developmental ‘lesion’ or level of pathology borderline between psychosis and neurosis which includes the more specific borderline personality disorder (BPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) diagnoses which are often co-morbid, occurring together. Many researchers believe, and we believe based on our experiences and research, that BPD and NPD are not as distinct as once thought but are two sides or faces of the same underlying fulcrum-2 disorder, a Janus-like dual identity with a private borderline face that’s denied in shame and a narcissistic mask shown to others, hence the frequent ‘Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde’ observations of family members (sometimes conflated with bipolar) not always believed by those outside the family system who may only see the high-functioning narcissistic mask.

We believe that BPD and NPD are the feminine and masculine sides, faces, or types of the same fulcrum-2 borderline-narcissitic personality organization with BPD signs expressing more in people who have more relational/communal energy or essence and NPD expressing more in those who are more agentic/autonomous in nature, which explains why BPD is more prevalent in women (75%) and NPD more prevalent in men (75%). Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), another cluster-B personality disorder, is also found more in men and many researchers believe it’s a strong variant of NPD. Research has linked disturbed estrogen with BPD and unusually high testosterone with ASPD, providing a sociobiological underpinning to our view [1].

Understand the abuser’s thinking

At this level of personality organization, reality testing is generally intact, unlike the more severe psychotic level. However, people with a borderline level of personality organization have a fragmented sense of self and others, unlike the less severe neurotic organization of a relatively integrated self. Because borderlines possess a fragmented sense of self they don't have a consistent view of themselves or others, over time and across situations. This fragmented sense of self, due in large part to a degree of lack of differentiation from and emotional fusion with those in their emotional environment, is the most significant and defining feature of the borderline level and results in severe and repetitive problems in interpersonal relationships.

In healthy development the infant learns to differentiate its emotional life from that of others, particularly the mother, and a strong stable cohesive emotional self emerges. A failure to achieve ‘separation-individuation’ during this critical 15-36 month stage leaves the infant with a fragile sense of self with fragile fluid boundaries. The self either remains in fusion at this emotionally narcissistic stage with no evident boundaries, or differentiation begins but is not completed and there is some dissociation resulting in weak boundaries.

This fragile fragmented self either treats others as narcissistic extensions of itself invading others’ boundaries, or is flooded, smothered by others who are viewed as invading its weak boundaries causing the anxiety and depression experienced by borderlines. Weak emotional boundaries are weak in both directions, they don’t protect the self or others. Emotional fusion with others means lack of clear emotional boundaries.

This fragmented self is not stably differentiated emotionally from those in its emotional environment. If the other person in emotional relationship has an integrated personality, those aspects of the integrated personality that the fragmented personality lacks can partially compensate for the missing parts of the fragmented self. This sets up emotional dependence on those aspects of the integrated self the fragmented self needs and it’s sometimes difficult for the fragmented self to distinguish between their own and the other persons’ thoughts, feelings, desires, and goals in those areas. They are not always fully aware of the boundaries between integrated selves because they do not yet have an integrated personality bounded from others.

Borderline, narcissistic, and antisocial personality disorders are organized at this broad level of personality organization, and the three share some common characterological deficits and overlapping personality traits, with deceitfulness and exceptional manipulative abilities being the most common. But because of the emotional fusion and consequent lack of boundary awareness, these very troubled people are not aware they are manipulating others because they are not fully differentiated (emotionally) from others to begin with. For them, differences with others feel like cognitive dissonances within their own mind. Thus the ego-syntonic nature of the disorder: for them this is normal. How else can they be until their sense of self is built or rebuilt in structure building therapy to develop a cohesive sense of self with healthy boundaries?

Borderlines, narcissists, and psychopaths are often both physically attractive (narcissists and borderlines in particular) and highly intelligent and can be efficient, persuasive, and incredible pathological liars. Other shared traits include pathological narcissism, irresponsibility, machiavellianism, lack of empathy, cruelty, meanness, impulsivity, proneness to self-harm and addictions, interpersonal exploitation, hostility, anger, rage, vanity, emotional instability, rejection sensitivity, and perfectionism.

Reframing the borderline/narcissistic worldview

Those of us who have integrated personalities perceive these troubled souls as selfish and antisocial from our point of view, from the luxury of an integrated ego distinct from other integrated selves. But from the borderline-narcissistic perspective self-centered or anti-social behavior is not yet possible because there is no intact ‘self’ fully differentiated from other selves.

The emotional distinction or boundary between self and other is not clear, it’s fluid and fuzzy due to emotional fusion with those in their emotional environment, just as a psychotic person may take a hammer and use it to distinguish where the chair begins and their arm ends due to their physical fusion with their physical environment. We would not describe the psychotic as anti-chair. It seems to us that though people at this level of personality organization are self-centered or anti-social from our point of view, that the terms egocentric or ‘emotionally fused and/or dependent’ are more accurate.

When borderline/narcissists don’t see what we can see we call this ‘denial’ from our point of view, because we can see or feel the emotional boundaries they can’t and we assume they choose not to acknowledge them. They are not in denial about violating boundaries of which they are not fully aware. They must think we are experiencing the same emotional fusion that they do.

Our language of selfishness and denial is a projection of our thinking onto those not capable of making these distinctions between self and other, something we take for granted. They are not denying what we plainly and easily see; they literally don’t see it! They are not denying anything, which would imply that they are aware of emotional boundaries and choose to violate them and then lie about it. They are merely affirming the primitive way they view reality devoid of boundaries. Drives have to be met. Needs have to be fulfilled. When one is not aware of boundaries one can’t know when one has violated them until boundaries can be strengthened and the ego fortified in structure-building therapy.

Understand the abuser’s ego defenses

The level of borderline personality organization uses primitive defense mechanisms that are pathological. Common narcissistic defenses include splitting, denial, projection, projective identification, primitive idealization and devaluation, distortion (including exaggeration, minimization and lies), and omnipotence.

Because people at this level of personality organization tend to rely on primitive defense mechanisms, they don't manage stressful situations very well. One of the main primitive defense mechanisms used is called splitting. Splitting is a tendency to view the world and others in a polarized black-and-white manner, as ‘all good’ or ‘all bad,’ flipping back and forth between these two extremes based on moment-to-moment perceptions.

They can switch from idealizing someone and treating them with tremendous admiration and affection, to devaluing the same person and treating them with contempt and hostility the next moment. This polarization makes it quite difficult to realistically assess others’ true qualities and to select and retain friends and romantic partners. It’s also responsible for their tendency to act inconsistently and impulsively, resulting in frequent and rapid changes in their emotions and relations, resulting in volatile unstable relationships.

It takes courage to break the cycle.

Understand the abuser’s control tactics

“Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors

used by one person in a relationship to control another.”

www.domesticviolence.org

Abusers often believe abuse is justified and acceptable. Their behavior may result from, as well as perpetuate, intergenerational cycles of domestic abuse that condone violence. Children who live in households with violence show dysregulated aggression from an early age that may later contribute to continuing the legacy of abuse when they reach adulthood.

Victims of domestic violence may be trapped in abusive situations through power and control, social isolation, insufficient finances, fear, shame, or to protect their children. Victims may experience physical disabilities, mental illness, post-traumatic stress disorder, few job skills, and poor ability to create trusting relationships. Domestic violence accounts for 21% of all violent crime according to the U.S. Department of Justice.

The central feature of Coercive Control: Multiple control tactics

The main difference between coercive control and other forms of DV is the use of multiple control tactics to take general control over a partner, often continuing post-separation: sexual abuse, use of male privilege, economic control, physical limitations, monitoring, social isolation, harassment of those who help victim, use of children, parental alienation, denying or minimizing abuse, blaming the victim, false allegations, legal abuse.

Coercive controlling abuse can take several forms including physical, sexual, emotional, economic, and legal. Often motivated by extreme jealousy, all forms of coercive controlling abuse have one purpose: to gain and maintain control over the victim. Abusers use many emotionally abusive tactics to control their target: threats, intimidation, dominance, guilt, humiliation, denial, blame, projection, isolation, and using children.

Abusers may aim to avoid household chores or exercise total control of family finances. They can be manipulative, often recruiting relatives, friends, law enforcement officers and court officials, and even

the victim’s family to their side, while shifting blame to the victim.

Power and Control Wheel

Emotional abuse:

One form of abuse or the very heart of domestic violence?

Sexual and physical abuse are just the tip of the abuse iceberg. The bulk of the abuse

in the “developed" countries in the world today is emotional abuse.

—Steve Hein

Emotional abuse is the most common form of abuse, and yet least talked about.

—Kali Munro

As the men gave up their secrets, I began to learn that intimate abuse was not just about hits and punches. It was about psychologically and physically trying to control their victims’ use of time and space in order to isolate them from all social connection, both past and present. It was an all-out attempt to annihilate their wives’ self-esteem, to enslave them psychologically. And it was performed repeatedly in order to maintain and inflate the damaged self-identity of the abuser.

—Dr. Donald Dutton

It happens from the inside-out: Psychological aggression is the most reliable predictor of the likelihood of physical aggression. Physical abuse in domestic relationships is nearly always preceded and accompanied by psychological abuse. Emotional abuse is a stronger predictor of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) than physical abuse among women. No abuse, whether it is physical, sexual or financial, can occur without psychological consequences. Therefore all abuse contains elements of emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse lacks the public and political profile of physical and sexual abuse, despite being at their core and frequently their most damaging dimension. The heart of the power and control wheel is the emotional motivation of abusers: egocentric power and control over others. A person controlled by an abuser feels the corresponding emotion of powerlessness and lack of self-efficacy, a feeling that they are not in control of their own life or emotions. Emotional abuse is an integral part of domestic violence, not just one form.

We believe that all forms of coercive controlling abuse in personal emotional relationships, relationships formed through emotional attachment in domestic situations, are to exert emotional control over another — an immature self-centered version of love which is the bond in healthy emotional relationships. Physical, economic and other forms of abuse are means to the underlying emotions of fear, guilt, obligation, humiliation, domination, dependence, etc., that undermine confidence and assertiveness in order to transfer power from a sensitive victim to an aggressor for his or her power and control needs.

Indeed, in Angeles’ case her abuser hit, kicked, or strangled her only about a dozen times over the years but that was sufficient to induce the desired fear in her so that he only had to raise his hand as if to hit her to evoke the fear necessary to get his way and keep her subservient: threat of physical violence induced the emotion of fear through classic conditioning. Fear kept her quiet and submissive, not his hands. Ultimately the abuse was emotional: physical pain was merely a conduit to emotional fear. Emotional abuse is more effective: it’s stealthy, more subtle, and less risky for the abuser.

Post-Separation Power & Control Using Children

What is emotional abuse?

Emotional, psychological, or mental abuse threatens, intimidates, or undermines a person’s self-worth, self-esteem, and independence. According to the Istanbul Convention, emotional violence is "intentionally impairing a person’s psychological integrity through coercion or threats."

According to Health Canada emotional abuse is "based on power and control and includes rejecting, degrading, terrorizing, isolating, and corrupting/exploiting another person.” Abuse is indicative of situations of power imbalance, such as abusive relationships.

Emotional abuse is a form of manipulation that is used, often by a parent or romantic partner, to maintain control. Emotional abuse of children can lead, in adulthood, to addiction, rage, a severely damaged sense of self, and an inability to truly bond with others.The abuser projects their words, attitudes, or actions onto an unsuspecting victim usually because they themselves have not dealt with childhood wounds that are now causing them to harm others.

The Conflict Tactics Scale measures acts of psychological aggression in 3 categories:

1. 1.Verbal aggression (denigrating, devaluing, dehumanizing someone)
   

2. 2.Dominant behaviors (threatening, bullying, isolating someone)
   

3. 3.Jealous behaviors (accusing a partner of having other relations)
   

Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse, constant criticism, dehumanizing, devaluing, and name-calling to more subtle tactics, including insults, putdowns, intimidation, manipulation, emotional blackmail, and brainwashing. It can include threatening the victim, telling the victim that they will be killed if they leave the relationship, isolating them from others, and public humiliation.

Controlling behavior includes monitoring movements, or restricting access to financial resources, employment, education, or medical care. It may also include conflicting actions designed to confuse and create insecurity in the victim and gaslighting, the continual denial that previous abusive incidents occurred. Denying and minimizing

abuse usually follows the aggression itself.

These behaviors can lead victims to question their sanity, causing them to believe that they are making up the abuse, or that the abuse is their fault. Perpetrators sometimes alienate a child from a parent or other family members. Parental alienation is a form of emotional abuse against the alienated parent as well as child abuse against the child, using the child as a pawn to hurt the other parent.

Results of emotional abuse

All of this is to gain control of a victim’s instincts, intuition, and emotions. Emotional abuse manipulates the victim's emotions. The victim may feel their emotions are being affected by the abuser so much that they no longer recognize their own feelings about issues the abuser is trying to control. The result is the victim's self-concept and independence are systematically taken away. But their self-esteem is not actually gone, they’ve just lost contact with it while being abused.

People who are being emotionally abused may feel their abuser has near total control over them. Isolation damages the victim's sense of internal strength, leaving them feeling helpless and unable to escape from the situation. Victims often suffer from anxiety and depression, which puts them at risk for suicide, eating disorders, and drug or alcohol abuse. Emotional abuse may also result in post-traumatic stress disorder. 7 out of 10 psychologically/emotionally abused women display symptoms of PTSD and/or depression.

For more on emotional abuse, please see these fascinating up-to-date articles:

1. Psychological abuse
   

2. Psychological manipulation
   

3. Emotional blackmail
   

4. Denial
   

5. Projection
   

6. Gaslighting
   

7. Parental alienation
   

8. Ego defense mechanisms
   

Early warning signs: Psychological traits

Abusers commonly have these characteristics:

Poor interpersonal skills

As children, abusers may have had little opportunity to learn interpersonal skills in their families. Their lack of skills gives them few alternatives other than anger and violence to manage conflict or express feelings. Abusers may lack the ability to recognize or acknowledge the emotions they feel, and may perceive most negative feelings as anger. They often have problems with verbally expressing their thoughts, feelings, and needs.

Some researchers have noted that abusive men are poor listeners who cannot communicate directly, especially about their feelings. An abuser may confuse assertiveness with aggression. Abusers frequently misperceive neutral communications or interactions as being threatening or insulting to them; for example, a partner’s brief delay in meeting him may cause an abuser to assume that she is having an affair.

Belief in men’s entitlement to dominate women

Male abusers may subscribe to rigid traditional gender roles of the past, including men’s dominant role and the belief in men’s entitlement to control over persons and events. Although this characteristic (male domination of women) is unlikely to describe abusers in same-sex relationships, domination and control are common, if not central, features of both heterosexual and gay and lesbian battering.

Dependency and jealousy

Abusers tend to be extremely jealous and possessive. Possessive abusers are emotionally dependent on their victims, which makes them susceptible to a number of conflicting emotions, including fear of abandonment, and anger at their dependence. An abuser’s behavior may be seen as an effort to prevent abandonment, or as a means of denying the need for the victim’s companionship. Extremely jealous abusers may be so possessive that they are willing to kill their victims rather than face losing control over them.

Isolation, no friends

Abusers are often psychologically and socially isolated. They tend to be distrustful of others, afraid of intimate relationships, and unable to share or recognize emotions other than anger. While they may have numerous contacts and acquaintances, these tend to be superficial. Isolation increases an abuser’s dependence on the victim, along with the attendant jealous, possessive behavior.

‘Jekyll and Hyde’ personality

Most abusers are not violent all the time — victims and others often describe them as charming and lovable. The loving, caring facet of an abuser’s behavior can be one means of convincing the victim to stay involved in the relationship after a violent incident.

Blaming others

A ‘shame-prone’ personality resulting from emotional abuse tends to externalize blame for any negative outcomes as an attempt to ward off re-experiencing shame. It’s an ego defense mechanism to protect the ego.

Refusal to accept responsibility

When confronted with their violent behavior, abusers commonly avoid responsibility by denying that it occurred, lying about it, minimizing its nature or significance, or blaming it on outside factors such as stress, drunkenness, or provocation from the victim. You may hear excuses or blame such as:

1. “It was an accident.”
   

2. “I didn’t hurt anyone.”
   

3. “I didn’t even use my fist.”
   

4. “The kids didn’t see it.”
   

5. “The cop didn’t like me.”
   

6. “I couldn’t take the nagging anymore.”
   

7. “I was drunk.”
   

8. “I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately, and I lost control.”
   

9. “She’s having an affair. I just want to save my family.”
   

Abusers share a cluster of psychological traits:

1. •High rates of suspicion
   

2. •High rates of jealousy
   

3. •Poor self-esteem
   

4. •Anger issues
   

5. •Poor self-control
   

6. •Sudden drastic mood swings
   

7. •Approval of violence and aggression
   

Early warning signs: Relationship dynamics

Abusers exert emotional, physical, sexual, economic, or legal abuse to gain and maintain egocentric control over a victim. Notice the centrality of emotional abuse used to control another person’s emotions:

Gaining trust

Early on, the potential abuser may seem charming, attentive, generous, and protective in ways that later turn out to be frightening and controlling. Sometimes there’s a quick whirlwind romance. Women between the ages of 18-24 are most commonly abused by an intimate partner. For example, in the case of Angeles’ abuser his first victim was 20, Angeles was 20, and his next victim was a 22-year old prostitute. Abusers tend to prey on young vulnerable women and children.

Over-involvement

The abuser becomes overly involved in partner's feelings, thoughts, and actions. Wanting to be with you all the time; tracking what you’re doing and who you’re with. Attempts to isolate you in the guise of loving behavior (you don’t need to work or go to school, we only need each other, criticizing friends/family for not caring about you)

Rules and pathological jealousy

Rules start to be inserted to begin control of the relationship and the abuser exhibits pathological jealousy. Jealousy at any perceived attention to or from others. Jealousy is considered by the abuser to be ‘an act of love’ but is actually attempted control over another’s emotions. Hypersensitivity to perceived slights.

Manipulation, power, and control

Quick to blame others for the abuse. A conditioning process begins with alternation of loving followed by abusive behavior. The abuser projects responsibility for the abuse onto the victim and the denigration and negative projections become incorporated into the survivor's self-image. The victim is blamed for the abuser's behavior and becomes coerced and manipulated.

Traumatic bonding

Pressures you into doing things you aren’t comfortable with (If you really love me, you’ll do this for me). Ongoing cycles of love and abuse can lead to traumatic bonding: Traumatic bonding occurs due to ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward (love) and punishment (abuse) creates powerful emotional bonds resistant to change.

How abusers control their victims

Positive reinforcement

Praise, superficial charm, superficial sympathy (crocodile tears), excessive apologizing; money, approval, gifts; attention, facial expressions such as a forced laugh or smile; public recognition.

Negative reinforcement

Removing one from a negative situation as a reward. (You won't have to walk home if you allow me to do this.)

Intermittent or partial reinforcement

Partial or intermittent negative reinforcement can create an effective climate of fear and doubt. Partial or intermittent positive reinforcement can encourage the victim to persist.

Punishment

Berating, yelling, refusing to speak to partner, intimidation, threats, swearing, emotional blackmail, the guilt trap, sulking, crying, and playing the victim.

Traumatic one-trial learning

Verbal abuse, explosive anger, or other intimidating behavior to establish dominance or superiority; even one incident of such behavior can condition or train victims to avoid upsetting, confronting or contradicting the manipulator.

How abusers hide their abuse

Common abuser defenses

Personality disordered abusers tend to deny the abuse or rationalize it with these defenses:

1. •Outright denial (It never happened. You are just imagining it. You want to hurt me)
   

2. •Alloplastic defense (It was your fault, your behavior provoked me into such reactions)
   

3. •Altruistic defense (I did it for you, in your best interests)
   

4. •Transformative defense (What I did to you is common and accepted behavior)
   

Keeping it silent: Silence hides violence

Perpetrators are usually concerned with their reputation and image in the community – among neighbors, colleagues, co-workers, bosses, friends, extended family, and tend to persuade their enablers to stay silent about the abuse with these specific forms of denial:

1. •Family honor stricture (We don’t do our dirty laundry in public, the family’s honor and reputation must be preserved, what will the neighbors say? Just sweep it under the rug, ignore it, pretend it didn’t happen.)
   

2. •Family function stricture (If you snitch and inform the authorities, they will take me away, and the whole family will disintegrate. You need me to pay the bills. Do you want to be on the street?)
   

3. •Using children as an excuse to hide abuse (Don’t tell junior the truth, we don’t want junior to think his father is bad. Lie to him about his father so he will not know the truth. Thus sheltered, junior grows up thinking father’s tactics are acceptable and continues the cycle of abuse on his wives and children.)
   

These are the tools abusers and their enablers use to keep domestic violence silent which perpetuates abuse as tolerable, acceptable behavior. Abusers also bribe their enablers with money, cars, etc. to silence them.

How abusers recruit enablers

Abusers recruit allies to help them gain and maintain coercive control of their victims. When successful, abuse by proxy can be very frustrating because the proxies are usually unaware that they are being used by the abuser. Enablers are being manipulated into doing much of the dirty work for the abuser.

Enabling is a pattern of behavior which seeks to avoid confrontation and conflict by absorbing the abuse without challenging it or setting boundaries. The perpetrator of the abuse is thereby enabled to continue their pattern of behavior. It’s a strategy adopted in an effort to try to placate the abuser by giving in to what they want, to ‘fly under the radar’ or keep the peace. The idea is that efforts to confront or set boundaries in the face of unacceptable behavior often result in escalation of conflict, so it’s easier to go along with what the abuser wants. “Go along to get along” is the mantra of the enabler. “Just put up with it” is the lazy way out.

While enabling suppresses conflict in the short-term, the long-term price to be paid is the reinforcing and prolonging of dysfunctional control in a relationship, where one person is free to use abusive behaviors to get what they want. Enablers often unwittingly become accomplices in their own entrapment which makes it all the more difficult for them to break the cycle of abuse.

Enablers often feel frustrated and trapped, because they have to suppress their own goals and feelings to sustain the status quo. As a result, enablers are prone to depression, substance abuse, sudden unexpected angry outbursts and projecting their own anger toward innocent ‘safe’ bystanders. Enablers sometimes become secondary abusers of children, family members, acquaintances or co-workers who they may regard as weak.

Enabling makes it easier for an abuser to continue abusing, at great cost to the victims and to innocent bystanders like children, other family members, friends, acquaintances and ultimately to the abuser themselves who is kept on life support in the dysfunctional system just enough to have no real incentive to change it.

Advice from the excellent website Out of the FOG:

What NOT To Do:

1. •Don't be an enabler!
   

2. •Don't be silent about what you are dealing with.
   

3. •Don't hide another person's mistreatment of you from others.
   

4. •Don't turn your anger on children or other people who you consider to be "weaker" than you.
   

5. •Don't shield someone from the consequences of their own behavior - that is not helping them.
   

6. •Don't fool yourself into thinking you can "take it" or that you are strong enough to absorb another person's pain.
   

7. •Don't try to take on the role of a rescuer or a person who can fix an abuser's behavior.
   

8. •Don't assume that because your children are only observing what is going on that that they aren't getting hurt by it.
   

9. •Don't tell yourself that because the abuse is intermittent or occasional that it isn't serious.
   

10. •Don't assume that because an abuser is friendly and kind most of the time that they don't qualify as a real abuser.
    

What TO Do:

1. •Get support. Talk to somebody who understands what you are dealing with.
   

2. •Protect yourself and any children from verbal and emotional and physical assault.
   

3. •See our Emergency Page if necessary.
   

4. •Work to establish realistic and meaningful boundaries.
   

Enabling is a dysfunctional behavior intended to help resolve a problem that perpetuates or exacerbates the problem. Third parties often take responsibility or blame, or make accommodations for a person's harmful conduct often with the best of intentions, or from fear or insecurity which inhibits action. The practical effect is that the abuser does not have to do so, and is shielded from awareness of the harm they do, and the need or pressure to change. Enabling in this sense is a major environmental cause of addiction, whether the addiction is to a chemical substance or to a pattern of behavior.

Enabling removes the natural consequences to the abuser of his or her behavior. Professionals warn against enabling because evidence has shown that an abuser experiencing the damaging consequences of his abuse on his life has the most powerful incentive to change. Often this is when the abuser “hits bottom.”

An example of enabling can be seen in the relationship between an abuser and a codependent spouse or child. The spouse may attempt to shield the abuser from the negative consequences of their behavior by making excuses that prevent others from holding them accountable, and generally cleaning up the mess that occurs in the wake of their impaired judgment. In reality, what the spouse is doing may be hurting, not helping. Enabling tends to prevent psychological growth in the person being enabled, and can contribute to negative symptoms in the enabler: tension and resentment may build up until it’s released in road rage or a nervous breakdown.

Enablers are usually well-intentioned people who are manipulated by abusers into going along with their behavior and in doing so make the abuser think their behavior is acceptable. This is called ‘idiot compassion’ in contrast to ‘tough love.’

Enablers who support another person's bad or dangerous habits are of two types:

1. •Tacit Enabler - Supports another's bad habits by staying silent.
   

2. •Overt Enabler - Supports another's bad habits by providing assistance such as approval.
   

Enablers tend to fear calling others on their destructive habits because they tend to be family, friends, or lovers. Rather than risk losing the love, respect, friendship or contact with the person, the enabler chooses instead to play it safe and watch the abuser slowly destroy themselves and others through the abuser’s actions and the enabler’s inactions.

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   Domestic Defense – A Holistic Approach
   

4. The four quadrants of abuse and defense informed by awareness:
   

5. The mental battle in the mind — Emotional Aikido
   

6. The physical battle in the home — Verbal and Martial Aikido
   

7. The economic and legal battle in the courtroom — Social Aikido
   

8. The cultural battle in the court of public opinion — Cultural Aikido
   

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Aikido classes for physical and sexual abuse

coming soon

Emotional Aikido for emotional abuse

coming soon

Cultural Aikido for abuse by proxy

coming soon

Social Aikido for economic and legal abuse

coming soon

Sources

See sources of information for this page here.

Co-Founders

Jeff Nailen

CAO (Chief Awareness Officer)

Acutely aware of the affects of emotional abuse and parental alienation from first-hand experience, Jeff believes that each of us is doing the best that we can given our current level of awareness and that the best way to change the world is to change ourselves: to learn and grow, and to teach and help.

Therefore, growing is more effective than fighting, and the best way to grow while helping others grow is to lead by example: “Be the change you seek in the world” as Gandhi said. The integral movement, led by philosopher Ken Wilber, seeks to replace the tendency to fight one another with passionate growth and compassionate service.

Angeles

CMO (Chief Motivation Officer)

Angeles’s story is much more remarkable. She found the strength and courage to endure and survive the full spectrum of physical, sexual, emotional, economic, and legal abuse.

After surviving a terrible bus accident in Mexico that broke her back and left femur and severed her son’s right arm, the domestic violence in her marriage went from bad to worse.

On her own initiative she sought help from Solace Crisis Treatment Center, The Sky Center, and Esperanza Shelter for Battered Families where she became a peer counselor inspiring other battered women.

Seeing her example, friends sought her advice on how to stand up to their abusers. Surviving a two-year divorce full of economic and legal abuse, including the insult of false child abuse allegations and documented parental alienation, this is what gave us the idea for Angel Wings Santa Fe: to give back to others everything we’ve learned. Since May 2014 we have helped 3 other battered families.

Angel Wings Santa Fe is named in honor of Angeles who has lived up to her name. Angeles is an inspiring example of what Gandhi said, “Be the change you seek in the world,” a reminder that you too can survive the cruelty of domestic violence, get help, forgive your abuser, and move on to live a happier life full of love, joy, compassion, and service to others.

We are currently writing a book about our experiences.

Angel Wings Santa Fe

Our mission is to reduce domestic abuse and promote family wellness

through root cause awareness and skillful means,

focusing on the emotional abuse at the very heart of domestic violence

and the underlying personality disorders below the surface that generate it.

As a bee seeks nectar from all kinds of flowers

Seek teachings everywhere.

Like a deer that finds a quiet place to graze

Seek seclusion to digest all that you have gathered.

Like a mad one beyond the limits, go where you please

and live like a lion completely free of all fear.

Dzogchen Tantra